Sexy Secrets Radio — Conversation transcript Source: coupes_0074S12.mp3 Edited runtime: 11:04 Speaker names are unverified in the automated transcript. Timestamps refer to the edited Descript composition. Speech and hesitations are transcribed as heard by Descript; review against audio before publication. [00:00] Speaker: Hey, James, our light was just flashing. Does... This was just flashing. Does that have a meaning? [00:07] Speaker 2: Nope. Go ahead with it. [00:08] Speaker: Okay. All right All right, so, so with intimacy, you know, we often, especially when it comes to, emotional intimacy, it's something that we crave with each other. [00:21] Speaker 2: Mm-hmm. [00:21] Speaker: Um, but it's also something, if you've been hurt before- [00:25] Speaker 2: Yes [00:26] Speaker: a lot of times you'll, kind of what you're talking about with the fight or flight. [00:30] Speaker 2: Yeah. [00:30] Speaker: We will, as humans, we will, shut down. [00:35] Speaker 2: Yes. [00:35] Speaker: And, and pr- but protect ourselves, because we don't wanna, it, and it puts ourselves in a conflict because we, we crave that intimacy. We crave that emotional, intimacy that we want with our partner. [00:50] Speaker 2: Mm-hmm. [00:50] Speaker: But at the same time, if we've been hurt, we often block that off, so to protect ourselves. [00:57] Speaker 2: Yes. That's what, in the massage, perspective, that's what we call the muscle lock. [01:04] Speaker: Right. [01:04] Speaker 2: Um, so when you are mentally stressed out, your muscles automatically tighten up- Mm-hmm ... to protect your vital organs. [01:13] Speaker: Right. [01:14] Speaker 2: Yeah. It, it's a, that's a natural, you know, ancient reflex of an individual. [01:20] Speaker: When you... Uh, so I have a question for you. When you're massaging somebody, can you feel that? [01:25] Speaker 2: Yes, I do. Yes. And, and in fact, I have run into a lot of my clients, several of my clients, that when I see that, because, there is what they call, like, tur- turtle neck. [01:40] Speaker: Mm-hmm. [01:40] Speaker 2: So when we get stressed out, that's why a lot of people would say, "I carried all of my stress in my shoulders." On your shoulders. Yeah, so we call it turtle, turtle neck. So we do it like this. [01:51] Speaker: Oh, I do that. I'm so bad at that. [01:53] Speaker 2: Yes. It's just because, like, mentally, you know, we may have a lot of things in our head, so we tend to like that, because we're trying to protect what we have in our head, especially if we don't write down. [02:05] Speaker: Mm-hmm. [02:06] Speaker 2: Um, that's why, for me, personally, writing down what I need to do, like the next day or in the future, some points that I want to remember, journaling is very helpful. [02:18] Speaker: Definitely. [02:19] Speaker 2: Um, that then I don't have to keep it in my head. Mm-hmm. Because if I do that, it tends, it makes me tend to have a turtle neck syndrome because I'm protecting that area- [02:32] Speaker: Right [02:32] Speaker 2: in my brain so I won't forget everything. [02:35] Speaker: You know, I do the, I do that with, I usually keep a notepad and a pen- [02:41] Speaker 2: Uh-huh ... [02:41] Speaker: on my nightstand. [02:42] Speaker 2: Mm-hmm. [02:43] Speaker: Because sometimes I'll wake up at 3:00 in the morning- [02:46] Speaker 2: Yeah ... [02:46] Speaker: and my brain is spinning. [02:48] Speaker 2: Yes. [02:48] Speaker: And, and it, it cycles, and it's just- Yes ... going over and over and over, and it's something that I'm trying to make sure that I don't forget. [02:56] Speaker: But if I write it down- Then I can let my brain relax- [03:02] Speaker 2: Yes ... [03:02] Speaker: and go back to sleep. [03:04] Speaker 2: And just imagine just that. A- and just think about it. Just imagine you're lying down in bed with your partner, but there's a lot of things that's going on in your head. [03:14] Speaker: Mm-hmm. [03:15] Speaker 2: And just because of that, it kinda takes away your desire of intimacy- Mm-hmm [03:21] Speaker 2: because you're trying to protect that, y- you know, that part of your brain, not to forget that. [03:26] Speaker: Mm-hmm. [03:27] Speaker 2: Y- y- you know what I mean? [03:28] Speaker: Absolutely. [03:29] Speaker 2: Just... It might just be as simple as that. Mm-hmm. But just imagine how much chances do we put our relationship at risk- Mm ... just for that. [03:40] Speaker: Yeah. [03:41] Speaker 2: Yeah. So sometimes, you know, like the turtleneck, trying to protect what we have in our, in our head, not only that it affects, like, our shoulder, we also, like, clench our jaw. [03:58] Speaker: Oh, yeah. [03:59] Speaker 2: And a lot of people did not realize about it, but try to clench your jaw. [04:04] Speaker: Mm-hmm. [04:05] Speaker 2: Try to clench your jaw. [04:06] Speaker: Mm-hmm. [04:07] Speaker 2: And then have a turtleneck. How does it feel from the back of your neck all the way to your sacrum? [04:15] Speaker: It needs to be relaxed. [04:16] Speaker 2: In that spine, right? [04:17] Speaker: Right. [04:18] Speaker 2: You feel the tightness. [04:19] Speaker: Mm-hmm. [04:20] Speaker 2: Yes. And just imagine that just by that, you are blocking the blood flow down to this part of your body. [04:28] Speaker: Oh, wow. Wow. [04:30] Speaker 2: Does it make sense to you? [04:31] Speaker: Yes, it does. Yes. It does. And [04:33] Speaker 2: that- [04:33] Speaker: And I'm guilty of turtleneck too. I am. I, my shoulders are always up. [04:37] Speaker 2: And that takes away the intimacy. Mm-hmm. It just, like, you don't want to be feel touched because you are, your whole body is so tight. [04:46] Speaker: Mm-hmm. [04:46] Speaker 2: Sometimes, like, I remember during the times that I was, very, highly stressed out- Mm-hmm [04:52] Speaker 2: like, even just a touch is kinda, like, hurts me. [04:56] Speaker: Mm-hmm. [04:57] Speaker 2: And I have clients that had experienced the same thing. [05:01] Speaker: Right ... [05:02] Speaker 2: that they said, like, if their partner, their husband touched them, it's like they jerk. It's a [05:07] Speaker: jerk. [05:07] Speaker 2: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Because their nervous system is, like, guarding. [05:12] Speaker: Yes. [05:12] Speaker 2: You know? [05:13] Speaker: That makes sense. [05:14] Speaker 2: Yes. It makes [05:15] Speaker: sense. Huh? Do you need a massage? [05:16] Speaker 2: No. [05:17] Speaker: Okay. Gotcha. [05:18] Speaker 2: So- Um, the constant muscle tightness, you know, like it causes us to squeeze our nerves and blood vessels, and this is why like stressed individuals- Mm-hmm ... like for example my clients constantly complain to me about blinding tension headaches, an upset stomach, and feeling physically exhausted before even the day begins. [05:47] Speaker: Wow. [05:48] Speaker 2: But just imagine that they have to go to work even after feeling that way. Mm-hmm. And then they come back, they come back home to their partner. They don't have enough energy anymore. And then because of the stress, they probably, don't communicate like how they- Mm-hmm ... needed to with their partner all day. [06:08] Speaker 2: But this is what they say. This is from what I have, learned, is that- Lovemaking to your spouse- Mm-hmm ... you know, making love to your spouse, the, it's not just about the physical touch. [06:24] Speaker: Mm-hmm. [06:24] Speaker 2: It started the minute you wake up, you know? And how you communicate- Mm-hmm ... with a person. That starts with that. [06:35] Speaker: You know, it's one of the things that, that I talk to couples about whenever we're talking about intimacy is that, sometimes morning sex Can be, can be better, or lovemaking as you call. [06:49] Speaker: Uh-huh. Um, sometimes that can actually be better because think about this, you know, as you- You start the [06:57] Speaker 2: day ... [06:57] Speaker: Right. You start the day, you're fresh. It's a good way to start your day 'cause then y- when you, when you have orgasms, your body, it, it, it releases the oxytocins. Mm-hmm. It releases- The [07:11] Speaker 2: bonding hormone, [07:11] Speaker: yeah [07:11] Speaker: all your... Yes, all your good, your good hormones, all the, all those feel-good hormones and neurotransmitters. You release dopamine and serotonin. Uh-huh. And all of those are our feel-good neurotransmitters. The happy [07:26] Speaker 2: hormones. [07:27] Speaker: Happy hormones. Okay. but think about this, like, okay, so you get up, you go to work, you know, let's say you didn't have sex that morning. [07:36] Speaker: You get up, you go to work, you got a full day at work, maybe you had a hard day, maybe you had an easy day. And then whenever you get home, depending on what your lifestyle looks like, let's say you have 2.3 children. So then you've got to do homework, cook dinner, laundry, you know, I don't know what the, your list is that you have to do whenever you get home, but a lot of times it's like we have a second job whenever we get home. [08:02] Speaker 2: Yeah. [08:02] Speaker: And then, and then at 10:30 at night or whatever time by the, you know, by the time that you've gotten the kids in bed and, and everything, you're exhausted. [08:15] Speaker 2: Yes. [08:15] Speaker: And you have nothing left in the tank to give. And then, you know, the, then the most important part of your, of your life, you know, your relationship with your partner is your most important relationship that you'll have, because they're the person that you've committed your life to. [08:35] Speaker: Yes. [08:35] Speaker 2: Yes. [08:35] Speaker: Um, and then that person gets the short end of the stick, and that's not fair. [08:40] Speaker 2: Yeah. Um, that's what we mentioned earlier- Mm-hmm ... that's like the, the touch fatigue. [08:47] Speaker: Mm-hmm. [08:48] Speaker 2: And sometimes it makes the other person, when you touch them, it's like it's, it's painful. [08:55] Speaker: Mm-hmm. [08:55] Speaker 2: You know what I mean? Because you, not only that you build up that, hypersensitivity because of the stress, you also, a lot of us, not knowingly, but we also build up an intimacy wall- Right [09:14] Speaker 2: between you and your partner. [09:16] Speaker: Right. [09:16] Speaker 2: So- [09:17] Speaker: That's your protective wall. [09:18] Speaker 2: Yes. Mm-hmm. Yes, because your muscles are tight, you're sore all day, your sensory bucket is full- Yes ... already. So by the evening, you know, when your partner reach out to touch you, for you, it doesn't feel like love, and for the other person, it feels like you did not want them. [09:41] Speaker: That's [09:41] Speaker 2: exact- They felt unwanted ... [09:42] Speaker: that's exactly it. That's exactly right. Um, and, you know, your partner should be your, your place of, [09:51] Speaker 2: Safety. [09:52] Speaker: Yes. [09:53] Speaker 2: Yes, right? [09:54] Speaker: Yes. [09:55] Speaker 2: Like, you can be vulnerable. [09:57] Speaker: Well, and that's part of the definition of intimacy, is allowing yourself- [10:02] Speaker 2: Yes ... [10:03] Speaker: to be vulnerable. [10:04] Speaker 2: That's part of it, yes. [10:05] Speaker: A, a lot of people, when you say the word intimate, they, they think you're talking about just [10:10] Speaker 2: sex. Just physical, yeah. Mm-hmm. [10:11] Speaker: So while there's a physical intimacy, there's sexual intimacy, there's spiritual intimacy. There's a lot of, there's- Emotional ... emotional. There's, there's several different types of intimacy. [10:23] Speaker 2: Mm-hmm. [10:24] Speaker: I mean, like, when I think of intimacy, to me, one of the biggest parts of intimacy is sleeping with someone, just sleeping. Yes. I'm not talking about, you know- [10:36] Speaker 2: Yes, [10:36] Speaker: yes ... physical, physical activity. Because when you're sleeping, you're the most vulnerable. [10:41] Speaker 2: Mm-hmm. [10:42] Speaker: You know, you're asleep. You're- Mm-hmm ... you're allowing yourself to be completely vulnerable- [10:48] Speaker 2: Vulnerable, yes [10:48] Speaker: when you're asleep. [10:49] Speaker 2: Yes. Um- [10:52] Speaker: Sorry, I got a little off track there. [10:54] Speaker 2: No, you're good. You're good. And al- also, like, when you are tense, you know, you're so caught up, well, with all the stress and you're-